new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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