woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
