mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
