It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
