The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
