the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
