she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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