the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize