i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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