Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
