we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
