I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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