omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize