Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We have started to decorate penises.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
