Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
