It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
