garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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