Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
