Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
