found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
