Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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