I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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