hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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