I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
