i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
