he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
