I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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