so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
