oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
