one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize