if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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