Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
