I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
