the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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