I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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