I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize