I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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