I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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