last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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