after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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