Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
