if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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