If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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