We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
