I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
