Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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