I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
