Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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