Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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