He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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