In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
