In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There was a lot of him and a little penis
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
