So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
